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Helplessness is a set of behaviours that is part of a pattern which repeats over time. If a person has an inner belief that they are powerless to overcome certain types of problems that life presents them with they will fail to overcome those problems. If you can help, empower, enable, a person to break one small piece of the pattern they have taken the first step to breaking the whole matrix of helplessness in their life. When they have behaved differently once they can no longer say, ‘I never…’ When they have behaved differently once it will be easier for them to behave differently one more time and then….? It is an amazing fact that sometimes just one instance of overcoming a difficulty that was once in the mental category, ‘impossible,’ will have a domino effect, toppling one impossible category after another. Empowerment is so satisfying. To see a helpless person become competent to handle difficulties is a far bigger thrill than handling their difficulties for them.

Yesterday I made a half hearted attempt to lay a ghost, the ghost of a lost love that haunts me occasionally. That makes me feel a little guilty at times as I now have another love. I met my former love in a restaurant and several months ago a new waitress arrived at one of the restaurants I frequent now and she reminds me strongly of the other woman. This woman has facial resemblances to RSW (name disguised as usual to respect my lovely friend’s privacy). What seems even more powerful is that this waitress stands and walks similarly to RSW and her figure is not unalike either. The attitude conveyed by her body language and facial expressions, while not the same, are not very different. Perhaps I should take a warning from that. I always knew I was attracted to RSW’s attitude but the relationship ended when we tried living together and found out we were vastly incompatible.

I feel a bit uncomfortable at times when in this restaurant, particularly when waitress X (I don’t even know her name and she has only a little, if well pronounced, English) serves at my table. My eyes are drawn to her even when I have other company, though I restrain that of course. Somehow there is a response too. Perhaps we are of two types that attract even if fated not to be suitable. I had to do something about my discomfort so I learned the Chinese for ‘remind me of someone’ and managed to tell her so she understood. She asked ‘friend’ and I said nupengyou, girlfriend, and looked very awkward. We said no more but now maybe she will understand why my eyes stick to hers sometimes and dart away. I’m sure that in that restaurant everyone realizes BMW and I are a couple. Maybe now I will be able to relax and let go another degree or two and be comfortable there. I can’t stop going, there is nowhere else I can find that makes such delicious pumpkin soup. 

Mentoring is a keystone. It is a common thing in many societies. At one level it has come under suspicion in western society as a result of our increased awareness of paedophilia and of people in situations of power using their privilege to take sexual or other advantage of their proteges. What a great loss! We must resist responding to social evils in ways that give criminals the power to rob us of keystones of a well-functioning society. Skimming through some internet articles to make this article a little fuller I found that Mentoring is undergoing a revival, by which I mean it is being institutionalised. Businesses, professions, schools and universities, and support groups are all waking up to the power of mentoring to help people to achieve more than they could without a mentor.In many societies that we now call less developed an integral part of the social structure was to attach a young person, often at puberty, to an elder who would assist the youth through the trials of adolescence until the formal ceremony of coming of age. The getting of wisdom was not a hit or miss, boof your way through, affair as it often is in our so-called developed culture.It is well known that those who choose to formally join a religious order are usually under instruction by a supervisor. This varies in flexibility. Some are expected to learn without challenging and others are expected to grow in a more organic way. I was surprised to learn a few years ago that the old Celtic form of Christianity that was destroyed by the Romanization of British Christianity or perhaps by the increasing power of the priesthood in Roman Christianity included mentoring in the freer sense of a spiritual partner, friend and guide. As I am in no way knowledgeable in this you could go to Google to search the term anamchara.I have been fortunate in my life to have met several older people who I admired very much and who let me spend time with them asking questions and being guided by them. I am not talking about ‘successful’ people, I am talking about really admirable human beings who I could go to when I was troubled and who had the wisdom to help me through. If I have any wisdom of my own today I owe it to these wonderful human beings. Seek such people out and grow through their company.Accept it of your children need another adult to learn from. The parent-child relationship is often complex and more ancient societies than ours institutionalised the need for a more detached person to become acceptable to a young person as a guide. In the highly sexualised culture we have created we do need to be watchful but let us not be driven by such fear that we keep our children from paths to full maturity. 

Empowerment is like Respect. It is based on the idea that everyone is unique and special and has the capacity to learn to get through life without having to rely on others too much. Most people start with some kind of disadvantage, big or little, that they need some help with, and many people just get born into a situation that exposes them to all sorts of stuff that weakens them and they become victims of the bad guys and gals who thrive on other folks’ weaknesses. People with that kind of victim experience in their heads are emotionally blocked from overcoming a lot of the little problems that we all have to face like finding a way to pay the bills, going for a job interview, being rejected by a lover, finding a lover, finding true friends, finding ways to get happiness into our lives and a million more ordinary experiences.

Many of us love to help people but too few of us understand that helping can make people’s problems continue if the help is given in the wrong way. The best help people can get is to learn to help themselves. There is a lot of satisfaction in doing something for someone. It is satisfying. It can be a little selfish of the helper and some people even go looking for helping experiences because they are a little unsure of themselves and need the boost. Often that kind of help is exactly what people need but can you tell when you need to help someone to do something in their own power? Most often, if you teach them to fix their own problem it is even better. They will have the thrill of doing something they were not able to do before and they will also have the problem solved. You have the strength and knowledge to help them. Wouldn’t it be nice if they had it too?

Let’s be practical. Sometimes things should be done only by well trained and qualified people. I don’t muck around with electrical wiring and fitting, for example. Maybe you think that it would be good to feed a person with no arms. Yes, for a while, but a better solution for their ability to cope with daily living as independently as possible is to help them to learn to eat without hands. If this means they lean forward to eat specially prepared food directly from the bowl you have the challenge of acceptance. It is not bad manners. Manners are only a social agreement. It is the way your friend can live successfully without you. I want help with learning about website building lately but I want the help to teach me to do it by myself. I get a little annoyed when the instruction is way over my head. It makes me feel disempowered. When I find clear instructions I can follow I follow them and am very proud of myself when I accomplish something I thought I could never do.

Life is complex and there are many situations where it is not necessary for a person to do something or must choose between two learnings. As long as they are growing in strength and competence it’s ok to make choices. Some things can be done later. In the emotional areas it is always best to strengthen people, actually, help them find the strength within them. We are full of messages from our past and often we say, ‘I can never do that’. If someone asks for your help think carefully about how to help them. Why can’t they do it? Are you an expert, a lawyer who has unusual knowledge of the courts? Or are you being asked something most people can do themselves? If you can help someone to cope with a normal life crisis you have given them strength for the next one. When it happens and they come to you, you can say, ‘You got through the last one, didn’t you. Do you remember how you managed then?’ And you can watch the smile appear on their face as they realize they can cope. Empowerment is a wonderful thing. Make it your style of helping.