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Helplessness is a set of behaviours that is part of a pattern which repeats over time. If a person has an inner belief that they are powerless to overcome certain types of problems that life presents them with they will fail to overcome those problems. If you can help, empower, enable, a person to break one small piece of the pattern they have taken the first step to breaking the whole matrix of helplessness in their life. When they have behaved differently once they can no longer say, ‘I never…’ When they have behaved differently once it will be easier for them to behave differently one more time and then….? It is an amazing fact that sometimes just one instance of overcoming a difficulty that was once in the mental category, ‘impossible,’ will have a domino effect, toppling one impossible category after another. Empowerment is so satisfying. To see a helpless person become competent to handle difficulties is a far bigger thrill than handling their difficulties for them.

When I visited Tianjin I went to Ancient Culture Street, which is a self-consciously tourist oriented mall with a mixture of good and bad items, authentic crafts and mass produced kitsch. Beware the plastic and beware the high prices of anything real. Having said that, there are a few shops selling stuff that is as good as you will get around China. I remember one shop with beautiful pieces of carved jade that I longed to buy, but it was too expensive for my budget at the time. Then there were lots of Chinese paper cuts in various sizes and some of the best kites I have seen in shops.

In Ancient Culture Street is the Temple of Matsu. Throughout the Temple were boards giving information about the Goddess. Aside from their claim that the real woman who became an object of worship was a Tianjin resident the story differs little from the general legend of Matsu or Mazu throughout the coasts of East Asia. Generally she is recognized to have been a real woman born in 960 on an island in Fujian province of China. The child is said to have been a silent baby who did not cry for some time after she was born and developed an interest in Buddhism in early childhood. She took instruction in the religion from the age of thirteen and developed powers to predict the weather and perform healing acts. Her particular concern was for the welfare of fishermen and it is said she even walked out on the waves of the sea to rescue people. It is also commonly said that she went up to a mountain and was taken up to heaven when she was 28 years old. The patterns of this story are reflected in religions worldwide and appear in the Christian Bible among others.

For Buddhists, Matsu is a Bodhisattva and for others she is a goddess. The boards in the Tianjin temple tell that an Emperor came to test her holiness during her life and it is true that various Emperors gave their imprimatur to her deity as the centuries progressed. There are variations in the story in different locations but it is remarkable that the dates given for her birth and death are so firm. It is certain that a remarkable woman of saintly character lived on the coast of China from 960 to 988, most likely in Fujian province, and that she was a devout Buddhist recognized in her own lifetime and in her own locality as a person of advanced spiritual knowledge.

Yesterday I made a half hearted attempt to lay a ghost, the ghost of a lost love that haunts me occasionally. That makes me feel a little guilty at times as I now have another love. I met my former love in a restaurant and several months ago a new waitress arrived at one of the restaurants I frequent now and she reminds me strongly of the other woman. This woman has facial resemblances to RSW (name disguised as usual to respect my lovely friend’s privacy). What seems even more powerful is that this waitress stands and walks similarly to RSW and her figure is not unalike either. The attitude conveyed by her body language and facial expressions, while not the same, are not very different. Perhaps I should take a warning from that. I always knew I was attracted to RSW’s attitude but the relationship ended when we tried living together and found out we were vastly incompatible.

I feel a bit uncomfortable at times when in this restaurant, particularly when waitress X (I don’t even know her name and she has only a little, if well pronounced, English) serves at my table. My eyes are drawn to her even when I have other company, though I restrain that of course. Somehow there is a response too. Perhaps we are of two types that attract even if fated not to be suitable. I had to do something about my discomfort so I learned the Chinese for ‘remind me of someone’ and managed to tell her so she understood. She asked ‘friend’ and I said nupengyou, girlfriend, and looked very awkward. We said no more but now maybe she will understand why my eyes stick to hers sometimes and dart away. I’m sure that in that restaurant everyone realizes BMW and I are a couple. Maybe now I will be able to relax and let go another degree or two and be comfortable there. I can’t stop going, there is nowhere else I can find that makes such delicious pumpkin soup. 

Mentoring is a keystone. It is a common thing in many societies. At one level it has come under suspicion in western society as a result of our increased awareness of paedophilia and of people in situations of power using their privilege to take sexual or other advantage of their proteges. What a great loss! We must resist responding to social evils in ways that give criminals the power to rob us of keystones of a well-functioning society. Skimming through some internet articles to make this article a little fuller I found that Mentoring is undergoing a revival, by which I mean it is being institutionalised. Businesses, professions, schools and universities, and support groups are all waking up to the power of mentoring to help people to achieve more than they could without a mentor.In many societies that we now call less developed an integral part of the social structure was to attach a young person, often at puberty, to an elder who would assist the youth through the trials of adolescence until the formal ceremony of coming of age. The getting of wisdom was not a hit or miss, boof your way through, affair as it often is in our so-called developed culture.It is well known that those who choose to formally join a religious order are usually under instruction by a supervisor. This varies in flexibility. Some are expected to learn without challenging and others are expected to grow in a more organic way. I was surprised to learn a few years ago that the old Celtic form of Christianity that was destroyed by the Romanization of British Christianity or perhaps by the increasing power of the priesthood in Roman Christianity included mentoring in the freer sense of a spiritual partner, friend and guide. As I am in no way knowledgeable in this you could go to Google to search the term anamchara.I have been fortunate in my life to have met several older people who I admired very much and who let me spend time with them asking questions and being guided by them. I am not talking about ’successful’ people, I am talking about really admirable human beings who I could go to when I was troubled and who had the wisdom to help me through. If I have any wisdom of my own today I owe it to these wonderful human beings. Seek such people out and grow through their company.Accept it of your children need another adult to learn from. The parent-child relationship is often complex and more ancient societies than ours institutionalised the need for a more detached person to become acceptable to a young person as a guide. In the highly sexualised culture we have created we do need to be watchful but let us not be driven by such fear that we keep our children from paths to full maturity. 

Empowerment is like Respect. It is based on the idea that everyone is unique and special and has the capacity to learn to get through life without having to rely on others too much. Most people start with some kind of disadvantage, big or little, that they need some help with, and many people just get born into a situation that exposes them to all sorts of stuff that weakens them and they become victims of the bad guys and gals who thrive on other folks’ weaknesses. People with that kind of victim experience in their heads are emotionally blocked from overcoming a lot of the little problems that we all have to face like finding a way to pay the bills, going for a job interview, being rejected by a lover, finding a lover, finding true friends, finding ways to get happiness into our lives and a million more ordinary experiences.

Many of us love to help people but too few of us understand that helping can make people’s problems continue if the help is given in the wrong way. The best help people can get is to learn to help themselves. There is a lot of satisfaction in doing something for someone. It is satisfying. It can be a little selfish of the helper and some people even go looking for helping experiences because they are a little unsure of themselves and need the boost. Often that kind of help is exactly what people need but can you tell when you need to help someone to do something in their own power? Most often, if you teach them to fix their own problem it is even better. They will have the thrill of doing something they were not able to do before and they will also have the problem solved. You have the strength and knowledge to help them. Wouldn’t it be nice if they had it too?

Let’s be practical. Sometimes things should be done only by well trained and qualified people. I don’t muck around with electrical wiring and fitting, for example. Maybe you think that it would be good to feed a person with no arms. Yes, for a while, but a better solution for their ability to cope with daily living as independently as possible is to help them to learn to eat without hands. If this means they lean forward to eat specially prepared food directly from the bowl you have the challenge of acceptance. It is not bad manners. Manners are only a social agreement. It is the way your friend can live successfully without you. I want help with learning about website building lately but I want the help to teach me to do it by myself. I get a little annoyed when the instruction is way over my head. It makes me feel disempowered. When I find clear instructions I can follow I follow them and am very proud of myself when I accomplish something I thought I could never do.

Life is complex and there are many situations where it is not necessary for a person to do something or must choose between two learnings. As long as they are growing in strength and competence it’s ok to make choices. Some things can be done later. In the emotional areas it is always best to strengthen people, actually, help them find the strength within them. We are full of messages from our past and often we say, ‘I can never do that’. If someone asks for your help think carefully about how to help them. Why can’t they do it? Are you an expert, a lawyer who has unusual knowledge of the courts? Or are you being asked something most people can do themselves? If you can help someone to cope with a normal life crisis you have given them strength for the next one. When it happens and they come to you, you can say, ‘You got through the last one, didn’t you. Do you remember how you managed then?’ And you can watch the smile appear on their face as they realize they can cope. Empowerment is a wonderful thing. Make it your style of helping.

My parents and relatives all lived in the Valley of the Leven when I was a child and I was born in Dumbarton. My family emigrated and I’ve been back a couple of times. When I visited there six years ago I was told a ghost story. Here it is. I would love to hear from anyone who can add details or correct any mistakes I have made in telling it. This is how I recall it. I’ll have to invent the names.

One afternoon Jean was walking home from school across the bridge at the Renton when she saw a schoolmate leaning over the railing of the bridge and gazing into the water. The schoolmate looked very sad and said to Jean, ‘Will you stay with me a while. I have to go soon.’ Jean said, ‘Sorry Margaret, I’ll get in trouble from my mother if I’m late. Bye bye.’  Margaret said nothing but just stayed there, looking over the railing to the water below. That evening Jean mentioned to her mother about meeting Margaret. The next day they learned that Margaret had died on the morning of the day Jean saw her.

It’s a simple little story, not sensationalised. My parents had never heard it till I told it to them so no one has created a sensation of it. That adds to its authenticity. False stories usually have fantastic elements in them and someone spreads them around to bask in the excitement.

Stories like this are told all over the world. I think there must be a reality behind them all, there are so many. Do you know any of these simple little stories? Please don’t make one up. Let us be truth seekers together.

My eating patterns went crazy at the end of last year. I craved cold sweet drinks and went through phases of being addicted to different ones and drinking stupid quantities of them. I just thought it was to do with being in China and missing Western foods. When I went home for a month I did a progress through a lot of my old favourite foods and drinks, and I loved it. But when I came back to China the problem continued and I didn’t have the will to stop. After that my ongoing heart condition began to move into crisis. Then my breathing became so bad I had to climb to my apartment one flight of stairs at a time, then rest, etc.

I went to see an aged Chinese doctor and took my ECG readouts from the past. He told me that my heart had become much worse and gave me a Chinese medicine and told me not to have any chocolate (!!!!!), coffee (!!!!) or sweet drinks (!!!). I was to have no red meat and almost no white meat. I was not to drink milk.

As I guessed I was very close to dying (previous experiences of crisis and going into intensive care units told me that) I gave up all my bad habits immediately. It’s a great motivator. I lost eight kilos in a few weeks and haven’t touched chocolate or coffee since.

The medicine the doctor gave me cleansed my body and I self-medicated to control the heart and the fluid in my lungs. After a while getting the doses right I was ok and have been really healthy for a couple of months now. I haven’t gone back to my bad habits since.

For me, the real question is, why did I suddenly have such crazy eating patterns, a sort of suicide attempt through eating. I have diabetes and a heart problem! Why did I flirt with death? What was my unconscious trying to teach me?

Perhaps this is my best poem. I regard it as spiritually inspired and I hope it helps you if you need it. That’s what it was given for. The copyright is mine only so I can prevent anyone using it to make money. If you want to share its healing power with others do it but if you try to make it a way to get money I’ll stop you gaining from it. Some things are too precious to be used that way. Now read it if you are in pain and see and feel the images in your mind and feel the healing.

I TAKE YOUR PAIN: A MEDITATION

I take your pain from my heart,

gently set it upon a broad leaf

smooth on tranquil water.

I watch the leaf float free

on mirrors,

drifting a tunnel of dark branches

and bright green leaves.

I pour your tears

into my cupped hands,

precious liquid gems (your adornment).

I kneel until the water

meets water and your tears

follow the River’s course

to join the encircling sea.

Why do so many families fight in the midst of their grief? Why do so many families direct so much anger at one another when a member dies? It seems to me that when a member of a family is dying that is just the time when old hurts should be put aside so love has a chance to break through and triumph. Life is difficult and we are a weak minded species that is always finding reasons to squabble and fight. The myth of family is just that. In reality being in families is a troubled experience for most of it. We have a rhetoric that keeps us in there but occasionally we want to just walk out and not come back, thinking our relatives are really too much to bear. They think the same about us. My father died a few years ago. In my life there were times I was close to him and times we were almost estranged. He was over critical of me and I often felt he didn’t even value my abilities, but that is not the whole truth. I always knew he loved me in the best way he could. As he aged, the criticism became more intense and I distanced myself from him when I could. However, when he was dying I was able to go to his home and help care for him and during that time every hurt from the past lost its significance in the terrible event that was taking place. He had incurable cancer and nothing else mattered but to give my love to him in the time we had left. Since his death the past hurts have seemed far less important. They were resolved by the enormous understanding that someone I really loved was dying. I hope that all of you blogfriends will be able to experience the same if one of your most loved dies. It’s amazing how all the accumulated pain can dissolve away if you get a chance to say goodbye. If you get that chance just take it and experience the love flowing from your heart and cleaning it.

Who are we?

A lot as been written and said about the Self, that is, the true self. Who are we really? Is there a Higher Self, and if so, is it a part of us that is in some way superior to the Conscious Self, the bit that we operate through daily and think we understand? In fact many of our behaviours are governed by the Unconscious Self, which is the bit the Conscious Self doesn’t talk to. If I am not who I think I am who am I? Then of course we must consider the spiritual aspect. Does a part of us survive after death? If so, which bit? What do we call that bit? I like to call it the True Self. Where does it survive and does it resemble the Conscious Self at all? If it goes to Heaven what does it do there? If it comes back as another Conscious Self why does it come back? Can we really hope that some part of us can accumulate experience and learn not to commit the same mistakes over and over again so one day we can live a life when we can no longer carry around a load of regret about the things we did badly?

Do you think this is obscure religious BS? There are times in most people’s lives when they encounter circumstances that make them think of these questions. When a parent dies or succumbs to a degenerative brain disorder are such times. We ask, are they still there somewhere? Often people whose loved ones have Alzheimers or some other such difficulty say, she is not the same person. Alzheimers is progressive. At what point in time did they become a different person?

My mother had a stroke not long ago and much of her language was lost or became confused. When I returned to be with her I was very, very glad to find that my lovely mother was still there and able to show in many ways that she was still the same person. Are our bodies just a vehicle which we use for a while, carrying our True Self on the instructions of some wiser advisor to some destination that is undefinable?

I

I am many-chambered,

A Nautilus.

I hide behind, in, above,

Levels, aspects, angles

Of my personality,

Projecting my personae so I admit

It is hard to understand who I am.

Some say if I could rid myself

Of that stuff and why it is

I would then find myself,

The true I, the only thing left,

And know I am actually God.

I am a little bit worried

That after all that effort

All I would find is me,

That is,

I.

Such a small word.