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Once I thought I could make more slime than anyone in the world. When I was a teenager I had hay fever from plants and house dust and worst of all book dust though I loved books. I spent days sitting in class blowing my nose. I produced litres of, let’s call it slime but you know what I mean. I was really embarrassed by it. There’s a creature that lives at the very bottom of the oceans that makes my slime producing ability look as small as David must have looked to Goliath. It’s called the Hagfish.

We can easily get a horrible picture of the Hagfish in our minds. It is long like an eel or a snake and can twist around really well because it has got no bones. Hagfish eat the dead bodies of other fish that die and sink to the bottom. Eew! Can you imagine a group of hagfish eating a dead whale or even a person who is buried at sea? Not a nice picture. Another habit of hagfish that we find very unpleasant is that they often eat a carcass from inside it. They get in through the mouth or some other opening. Very few people have seen hagfish in their natural home as it is too deep for divers unless they are in a special deep water vehicle. Some of the people who have seen them saw a dead creature looking as if it was alive. It seemed to be wriggling and bulging. After a while they realized it was full of hagfish moving inside it. Yuck!

I can imagine a really scary movie about hagfish that are affected by chemicals or radiation and start chasing swimmers. Even Jaws wouldn’t be as terrifying. In the movie they would be pretty long but the biggest kinds are not much over a metre long and most are little squiggly things. Let us remember that everything on this planet has its place and it is actually quite wonderful that hagfish can exist and live at the bottom of the oceans where it is freezing cold and really, really dark and most creatures would die from the pressure. Well the places most hagfish live are so deep there isn’t much light there anyway so it uses other senses so well it wouldn’t be concerned about being blind at all, so they have no real eyes.

Remember my hay fever? Why did I tell you about that? It is because the strangest thing of all about the hagfish is that it can make more slime than any other creature. It has slime glands all over its body. The hagfish can ooze slime out so fast that if another fish tries to eat the hagfish it can choke on the slime. Well, at least the slime can clog the gills which are the part of the fish that let it breathe under water. In fact, I can really sympathise with hagfish because its slime can be so thick it coats the creature all over and it is probably the only fish that has learned to sneeze to get rid of it all. The other crazy thing a hagfish does to get its own slime off it is tie itself in a knot and then slip the knot all down it to scrape away the slime. For me, slime was an embarrassment, but for the hagfish it is the most amazing protection and maybe it also helps it to slip around inside a dead thing it is eating from the inside.

You’re not going to believe this. Wait for it. Scientists are trying to find ways of using hagfish slime to help people. They are wondering about using it in cooking instead of the white bits of eggs. A meringue is a kind of cake made with a lot of egg white mixed with sugar. Can you imagine walking in your favourite cake shop one day and buying a Hagfish Meringue, or even worse, a Slime Meringue!. They would have to invent a more attractive name, like Mermaid’s Meringue. There are some ideas about it being used in medicine to clog up bits of people that are bleeding and make the bleeding stop.

Now I’ve told you, you can go and tell all your friends about one of the yuckiest creatures on the planet but in the end I would be really happy if you tell them that even the hagfish is special and its slime is a special ability. They won’t believe you when you tell them about it but when someone makes the Movies, ‘Hagfish’, ‘Hagfish 2′ and the rest, you can say, ‘I told you so.’

COLDS

There is a silly sickness

That Mummy calls a cold.

It makes my nose run really far!

(That’s a joke I’m told).

Where did it get its name from?

I’m sure she’s got it wrong,

‘Cause when she took my temperature

She said I’m very warm.

She gives me pills and Medicine

To cause my cold to fade.

What I really need is cold things;

Ice cream and lemonade!

LUNCHBOXES!

Piccolo’s mum was a very good mum
Who always took good care of his tum
By giving him breakfast, snacks and tea
And a school lunch loaded carefully,
In a perfectly packed lunchbox.

Now Piccolo was an exceptional boy
Who was always careful to tidy his toys
And was nice to his sister, mum and dad,
Rarely ever making them mad;
Except over a lunchbox.

Piccolo carefully ate up his lunch
Of sandwiches, cheese, lettuce to crunch,
Muesli bars, cakes, and scones and jam,
Boiled eggs, celery or smoked ham;
And then he lost his lunchbox.

Searching the school from end to end
Piccolo almost went round the bend
And, in fact, though tough, he sat and cried
For there was nowhere it could hide;
His lost and missing lunchbox.

A worried young man was Piccolo
Thinking how angry his mum would grow.
He was surprised when his mother
Said “Oh dear!” and bought another
Lovely plastic lunchbox.

The very next day he took it to school
(Fluoro colours - really cool)
And ate his lunch, feeling proud,
In front of an admiring crowd.
Then he lost his lunchbox.

Piccolo’s mother’s eye was baleful
As she told him to be careful.
She almost went right over the top
Before she calmed and went to the shop
To buy another lunchbox.

Wednesday’s lunch was purple plums
And other stuff for growing tums.
He ate and then went to gym
But when he returned a chill struck him.
He’d lost another lunchbox!

Mother was ready to hear the tale
But said “Now Piccolo you must not fail
To bring the three missing lunchboxes back
Or else I’ll have to give you a smack;
To help you look after your lunchbox.”

Alas! That didn’t do the trick.
Although he recruited his friend Nick,
And Freckles, Pricklehead, Boof and Lurch
To help him in his careful search
He couldn’t find one lunchbox.

After looking and hunting all round
The buildings and the sporting grounds
That disappointing Thursday
Became an even worse day -
He lost another lunchbox.

Of the search, his very best friend Boof
Came and offered verbal proof
To Piccolo’s vexed and perplexed Mum
And saved him from spanking on the bottom
For more than one lost lunchbox.

The boarder was really very annoying
And looked as if he was enjoying
The joke when he said he’d heard telling
That Piccolo wasn’t losing but selling,
For a dollar a time, his lunchbox.

Mum didn’t think that it was funny
That all these lunchboxes cost her money
So she threw a very gay and arty,
Quickly arranged, Tupperware Party
So Piccolo could have a lunchbox.

Mum was brilliant in her very best dress
And the Tupperware show was a roaring success.
Being cautious in the midst of the fun
She took her prize in lunchboxes, twenty-one,
Lest her boy should lose his lunchbox.

She said to her friends “You never know.
These days, school lunchboxes tend to go.
It’s wise, nowadays to prepare
So thieves don’t catch one unaware,
And deprive one’s child of his lunchbox.”

You know, it was only four weeks and a day
Till those lunchboxes were spirited away.
Mother said to the Principal “This must stop.
It’s time you called the Adopt-a-Cop
To find my boy’s lunchboxes.”

The detectives questioned Piccolo
To find out anything he might know.
They even asked him “Did you sell? -
Tell us now, before the bell -
Your missing lunchboxes.

Piccolo really did not know,
Until he went to a Gardening Show,
And noticed a familiar colour
At the base of an exotic flower -
A clue to his missing lunchboxes.

The Police went into action, fast,
And caught the guilty crook at last
In his lair in a neighbouring suburb
Where they found under the Rhubarb
A stash of stolen lunchboxes.

The thief was a teacher at the school
Who owned up, and said “I’m a fool.
Piccolo’s lunchboxes were so cool
The colours made me break the rule
And steal every lunchbox.

The flowers I grow are really bright.
The lunchbox colours were just right,
And just the right sizes.
They helped me win prizes.
It was me that took your lunchboxes.

Sorry.”
And he paid for all the lunchboxes.

This (almost) really happened. If you are from a part of the world that doesn’t know what an Eistedfodd is, it is an event with a Welsh name that is held in big and small towns so that the students of drama schools in the district can gain recognition through competition. It is a very serious affair and the judges can be quite solemn. My daughter was very nervous and negative before competing but did well, so I couldn’t resist satirising her behaviour.

EISTEDFODD BLUES

“I’m feeling sick. I can’t eat this. I know this food is off!

I’m getting a tickle in my throat. I know I’m going to cough”

“It’s the whingeing sickness!” father said

As Annie began to moan.

“You’ve got hypochondria.”

She gave another groan.

“It’s half past six,” father said.

“We don’t want to be late.”

“So eat your cereal all up.

You know that you’ll be great.”

“You don’t know,” said Annie

“How terrible I feel.

Have you even thought for one moment

This sickness might be real.”

“No,” said Dad. “You’re anxious.

It’s psychosomatic you know.

Just grab your bag and do your hair.

We really have to go.”

In the car Annie sat,

Silent the whole way;

Looking very pale and wan,

Her skin a shade of grey.

As they came closer and closer to the ordeal that she dreaded:

An Art-of-Speech recitation at the annual Ayr Eistedfodd.

“I’m losing my voice,” she whispered

In very feeble tones.

“Buck up. We have to go in,” said Dad

“Cheer up and stop your moans.”

The Judges looked impressive,

With hair of silver grey.

“I can’t do it,” said Annie

What if I faint away?”

Her group was summoned to prepare

And with a last roll of the eyes

She went off to check her hair,

No hope of winning a prize.

Father confided to a friend,

“I’ve made the wrong choice.

This will have a bad end.

She hasn’t got a voice!”

“I’m feeling nervous now,” thought Dad.

Perhaps I will be sick”

Every muscle tightened up;

Then Annie began to speak.

“I’m feeling sick. I can’t eat this.

I know this food is off.

I’m getting a tickle in my throat.

I know I’m going to cough.”

Oh no, not the Roller Coaster!
I don’t know if I can stand it.
We’re waiting in the queue.
I’m getting really nervous.
My sister wants to sit with me
She’s scared, she says.
She’s scared. It’s alright for her,
I’m the one who’s scared.
We climb on, put the bar over,
I brace myself and we’re off.
Slowly we are pulled to the top
And then….

SCREAM, SCREAM, SCREAM, SCREAM

All the way to the end.
I really can’t stand it!
She does it every time.

Next time I’m bringing ear plugs!