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Once I thought I could make more slime than anyone in the world. When I was a teenager I had hay fever from plants and house dust and worst of all book dust though I loved books. I spent days sitting in class blowing my nose. I produced litres of, let’s call it slime but you know what I mean. I was really embarrassed by it. There’s a creature that lives at the very bottom of the oceans that makes my slime producing ability look as small as David must have looked to Goliath. It’s called the Hagfish.

We can easily get a horrible picture of the Hagfish in our minds. It is long like an eel or a snake and can twist around really well because it has got no bones. Hagfish eat the dead bodies of other fish that die and sink to the bottom. Eew! Can you imagine a group of hagfish eating a dead whale or even a person who is buried at sea? Not a nice picture. Another habit of hagfish that we find very unpleasant is that they often eat a carcass from inside it. They get in through the mouth or some other opening. Very few people have seen hagfish in their natural home as it is too deep for divers unless they are in a special deep water vehicle. Some of the people who have seen them saw a dead creature looking as if it was alive. It seemed to be wriggling and bulging. After a while they realized it was full of hagfish moving inside it. Yuck!

I can imagine a really scary movie about hagfish that are affected by chemicals or radiation and start chasing swimmers. Even Jaws wouldn’t be as terrifying. In the movie they would be pretty long but the biggest kinds are not much over a metre long and most are little squiggly things. Let us remember that everything on this planet has its place and it is actually quite wonderful that hagfish can exist and live at the bottom of the oceans where it is freezing cold and really, really dark and most creatures would die from the pressure. Well the places most hagfish live are so deep there isn’t much light there anyway so it uses other senses so well it wouldn’t be concerned about being blind at all, so they have no real eyes.

Remember my hay fever? Why did I tell you about that? It is because the strangest thing of all about the hagfish is that it can make more slime than any other creature. It has slime glands all over its body. The hagfish can ooze slime out so fast that if another fish tries to eat the hagfish it can choke on the slime. Well, at least the slime can clog the gills which are the part of the fish that let it breathe under water. In fact, I can really sympathise with hagfish because its slime can be so thick it coats the creature all over and it is probably the only fish that has learned to sneeze to get rid of it all. The other crazy thing a hagfish does to get its own slime off it is tie itself in a knot and then slip the knot all down it to scrape away the slime. For me, slime was an embarrassment, but for the hagfish it is the most amazing protection and maybe it also helps it to slip around inside a dead thing it is eating from the inside.

You’re not going to believe this. Wait for it. Scientists are trying to find ways of using hagfish slime to help people. They are wondering about using it in cooking instead of the white bits of eggs. A meringue is a kind of cake made with a lot of egg white mixed with sugar. Can you imagine walking in your favourite cake shop one day and buying a Hagfish Meringue, or even worse, a Slime Meringue!. They would have to invent a more attractive name, like Mermaid’s Meringue. There are some ideas about it being used in medicine to clog up bits of people that are bleeding and make the bleeding stop.

Now I’ve told you, you can go and tell all your friends about one of the yuckiest creatures on the planet but in the end I would be really happy if you tell them that even the hagfish is special and its slime is a special ability. They won’t believe you when you tell them about it but when someone makes the Movies, ‘Hagfish’, ‘Hagfish 2′ and the rest, you can say, ‘I told you so.’

COLDS

There is a silly sickness

That Mummy calls a cold.

It makes my nose run really far!

(That’s a joke I’m told).

Where did it get its name from?

I’m sure she’s got it wrong,

‘Cause when she took my temperature

She said I’m very warm.

She gives me pills and Medicine

To cause my cold to fade.

What I really need is cold things;

Ice cream and lemonade!

LUNCHBOXES!

Piccolo’s mum was a very good mum
Who always took good care of his tum
By giving him breakfast, snacks and tea
And a school lunch loaded carefully,
In a perfectly packed lunchbox.

Now Piccolo was an exceptional boy
Who was always careful to tidy his toys
And was nice to his sister, mum and dad,
Rarely ever making them mad;
Except over a lunchbox.

Piccolo carefully ate up his lunch
Of sandwiches, cheese, lettuce to crunch,
Muesli bars, cakes, and scones and jam,
Boiled eggs, celery or smoked ham;
And then he lost his lunchbox.

Searching the school from end to end
Piccolo almost went round the bend
And, in fact, though tough, he sat and cried
For there was nowhere it could hide;
His lost and missing lunchbox.

A worried young man was Piccolo
Thinking how angry his mum would grow.
He was surprised when his mother
Said “Oh dear!” and bought another
Lovely plastic lunchbox.

The very next day he took it to school
(Fluoro colours - really cool)
And ate his lunch, feeling proud,
In front of an admiring crowd.
Then he lost his lunchbox.

Piccolo’s mother’s eye was baleful
As she told him to be careful.
She almost went right over the top
Before she calmed and went to the shop
To buy another lunchbox.

Wednesday’s lunch was purple plums
And other stuff for growing tums.
He ate and then went to gym
But when he returned a chill struck him.
He’d lost another lunchbox!

Mother was ready to hear the tale
But said “Now Piccolo you must not fail
To bring the three missing lunchboxes back
Or else I’ll have to give you a smack;
To help you look after your lunchbox.”

Alas! That didn’t do the trick.
Although he recruited his friend Nick,
And Freckles, Pricklehead, Boof and Lurch
To help him in his careful search
He couldn’t find one lunchbox.

After looking and hunting all round
The buildings and the sporting grounds
That disappointing Thursday
Became an even worse day -
He lost another lunchbox.

Of the search, his very best friend Boof
Came and offered verbal proof
To Piccolo’s vexed and perplexed Mum
And saved him from spanking on the bottom
For more than one lost lunchbox.

The boarder was really very annoying
And looked as if he was enjoying
The joke when he said he’d heard telling
That Piccolo wasn’t losing but selling,
For a dollar a time, his lunchbox.

Mum didn’t think that it was funny
That all these lunchboxes cost her money
So she threw a very gay and arty,
Quickly arranged, Tupperware Party
So Piccolo could have a lunchbox.

Mum was brilliant in her very best dress
And the Tupperware show was a roaring success.
Being cautious in the midst of the fun
She took her prize in lunchboxes, twenty-one,
Lest her boy should lose his lunchbox.

She said to her friends “You never know.
These days, school lunchboxes tend to go.
It’s wise, nowadays to prepare
So thieves don’t catch one unaware,
And deprive one’s child of his lunchbox.”

You know, it was only four weeks and a day
Till those lunchboxes were spirited away.
Mother said to the Principal “This must stop.
It’s time you called the Adopt-a-Cop
To find my boy’s lunchboxes.”

The detectives questioned Piccolo
To find out anything he might know.
They even asked him “Did you sell? -
Tell us now, before the bell -
Your missing lunchboxes.

Piccolo really did not know,
Until he went to a Gardening Show,
And noticed a familiar colour
At the base of an exotic flower -
A clue to his missing lunchboxes.

The Police went into action, fast,
And caught the guilty crook at last
In his lair in a neighbouring suburb
Where they found under the Rhubarb
A stash of stolen lunchboxes.

The thief was a teacher at the school
Who owned up, and said “I’m a fool.
Piccolo’s lunchboxes were so cool
The colours made me break the rule
And steal every lunchbox.

The flowers I grow are really bright.
The lunchbox colours were just right,
And just the right sizes.
They helped me win prizes.
It was me that took your lunchboxes.

Sorry.”
And he paid for all the lunchboxes.

This (almost) really happened. If you are from a part of the world that doesn’t know what an Eistedfodd is, it is an event with a Welsh name that is held in big and small towns so that the students of drama schools in the district can gain recognition through competition. It is a very serious affair and the judges can be quite solemn. My daughter was very nervous and negative before competing but did well, so I couldn’t resist satirising her behaviour.

EISTEDFODD BLUES

“I’m feeling sick. I can’t eat this. I know this food is off!

I’m getting a tickle in my throat. I know I’m going to cough”

“It’s the whingeing sickness!” father said

As Annie began to moan.

“You’ve got hypochondria.”

She gave another groan.

“It’s half past six,” father said.

“We don’t want to be late.”

“So eat your cereal all up.

You know that you’ll be great.”

“You don’t know,” said Annie

“How terrible I feel.

Have you even thought for one moment

This sickness might be real.”

“No,” said Dad. “You’re anxious.

It’s psychosomatic you know.

Just grab your bag and do your hair.

We really have to go.”

In the car Annie sat,

Silent the whole way;

Looking very pale and wan,

Her skin a shade of grey.

As they came closer and closer to the ordeal that she dreaded:

An Art-of-Speech recitation at the annual Ayr Eistedfodd.

“I’m losing my voice,” she whispered

In very feeble tones.

“Buck up. We have to go in,” said Dad

“Cheer up and stop your moans.”

The Judges looked impressive,

With hair of silver grey.

“I can’t do it,” said Annie

What if I faint away?”

Her group was summoned to prepare

And with a last roll of the eyes

She went off to check her hair,

No hope of winning a prize.

Father confided to a friend,

“I’ve made the wrong choice.

This will have a bad end.

She hasn’t got a voice!”

“I’m feeling nervous now,” thought Dad.

Perhaps I will be sick”

Every muscle tightened up;

Then Annie began to speak.

“I’m feeling sick. I can’t eat this.

I know this food is off.

I’m getting a tickle in my throat.

I know I’m going to cough.”

Oh no, not the Roller Coaster!
I don’t know if I can stand it.
We’re waiting in the queue.
I’m getting really nervous.
My sister wants to sit with me
She’s scared, she says.
She’s scared. It’s alright for her,
I’m the one who’s scared.
We climb on, put the bar over,
I brace myself and we’re off.
Slowly we are pulled to the top
And then….

SCREAM, SCREAM, SCREAM, SCREAM

All the way to the end.
I really can’t stand it!
She does it every time.

Next time I’m bringing ear plugs!

This is a poem I wrote for my children when they were young, or maybe it is really crystallizing a part of my experience of having children.

CANDLES ON A CAKE

I think that it is silly
Putting candles on a cake.
If the candles all fell down
You would burn it by mistake.
The icing would go gukky
Then it would taste yukky
Like burnt stuff on the toast
Or the edge of Grandma’s roast.
Maybe then a spark
Could fly off of the table
To make a burny mark
But I’m sure I would be able
To put it out with lemonade.
Not even call the Fire Brigade!
I really would; I’d save
The whole house because I’m brave.
Maybe it’s not so silly
Putting candles on a cake
Because without the lights on
I couldn’t see to put the fire out, could I?

I had to write this poem. My little daughter was so sad when we forgot to put money in the tooth box when she lost her tooth. When I was a child we put the tooth under a pillow but if someone gives your child a tooth box with a fairy figure on it you have to use it even if it confuses the real tooth fairy.

***THE TOOTH FAIRY***

I don’t know what went wrong that night,
When I lost my tooth.
The Tooth Fairy didn’t come to me.
Believe me. It’s the truth.

I have a lovely Tooth-Box
An auntie gave to me.
It looks just like a fairy;
At least it does to me.

I wonder if my Tooth-Box
Fooled the fairy’s eye
As it stood upon the chest-of-drawers.
Is that the reason why?

Did she think another fairy
Was standing on the lid,
Already busy doing
The same job that she did?

When I looked next morning
There wasn’t any money.
I went and told my Mum and Dad.
My eyes were red and runny.

They gave me lots and lots of hugs
And said they’d make it better,
By writing to the Tooth-Fairy,
A very special letter.

Daddy wrote it on a slope
(That’s important, I think)
And used a lot of big words,
Then burned it in the sink.

For a fairy to get a message
That’s the way you do it,
But you never use an envelope
‘Cause they can’t see through it.

When I woke up next morning
The money wasn’t there!
That naughty, forgetful Tooth-Fairy
It really wasn’t fair.

Daddy was very busy,
Reading a book,
But Mummy got up quickly
To go and have a look.

She called to me, “Come here”,
And I was so surprised
To see some money in the box
I couldn’t believe my eyes!

I might have been lucky.
I was I suppose.
You can’t tell until you know
How the ending goes.

The fairy was so sorry
For causing such trouble
That when I took the money out
I saw she gave me double.

I wrote this story when I was conducting an anti-bullying programme at a Primary School. The kids loved it and I hope yours do too. If you want to publish it in a magazine or whatever, let’s correspond about it and work out payment arrangements.

BAD BULLY BUTLER

Bad Bully Butler was the biffingest, bashingest bully in the whole of Bulldog Bay. Everyone knew about him even though he was still in Primary School. He belted boys, teased girls, grabbed baseball caps and threw them away, pulled ponytails, called people too small, too big, too fat, too skinny, too ugly think they’re handsome, thought they’re clever, thought they were smart, yellow, black, brown, pink, freckly, moley, sloppy, fashion-plate, big teeth, no teeth, curly, mousey, blondie, red, nerd, dropkick, dipstick, big-ears, big-nose, long-legs, short-stuff, twit, dweezil, idiot and everything else that bullies say. No one liked him but a lot of people pretended to so he would leave them alone and pick on someone else.

But Bad Bully Butler picked only on people who were different. What his “gang” didn’t realize was that everyone is different, so they were really surprised when it was their turn to be picked on. In fact, there was probably no one in the Bulldog Bay Primary who hadn’t been picked on by Bad Bully Butler. His favourite targets of all, though, were small quiet people with glasses and his very favourite victim was Gentle Katy Little. She was the smallest girl in Grade Six, she had red hair and freckles which all grown-ups thought were adorably cute, she was very clever, she had fashionable but thick glasses, and she was nice.

Every day on the bus Bad Bully Butler would tease Gentle Katy Little. He would sit behind her and pull her beautiful red ponytail. He would pretend he had burnt his hand on her “Firehair”. He would drop lizards into her lap (she did scream very, very well). He would ask her what she had for lunch and say “Ooh, yuck!” to everything. He would call her the teachers pet and say she cheated. He even used to cringe away from her and say she had “girl germs”.

At school he used to fire rubber bands at Gentle Katy Little when the teacher wasn’t looking. He would scribble on her homework books and grab them to cheat from the answers. When there was a queue for anything he would always shove Gentle Katy out of the line and take her place while she had to go to the back because he threatened to biff anyone who let her in. At sports he was always captain of the team because he was good at anything physical and he used to pick Gentle Katy Little last every time. She was becoming more and more miserable and finding it harder and harder to concentrate on her schoolwork. She sometimes felt so anxious about going to school that she was sick. She didn’t realize it was Bad Bully Butler that made her feel that way. Gentle Katy began to think she was a terrible person who deserved to be treated badly.

One day, some one came to talk to the schoolkids about bullying and how it affects people. He told them that lots of famous people were bullied when they were at school and they were all very miserable during those years of their lives. He said that maybe it is because they were different that they were special enough to become famous later on. He told them that bullies are usually very unhappy and that if they keep bullying when they get older they usually go to gaol. In fact people who bully in Primary School are much more likely to go to gaol than people who don’t. He gave the children some ideas about what they could do to stop people bullying. Bad Bully Butler just laughed.

At lunch time Bad Bully Butler wandered around bullying people and grabbing their lunches as usual but a lot of kids talked to each other about what they could do to stop bullying in their school. Gentle Katy Little’s friends talked the most of all because they did not like what Bad Bully Butler was doing to her.

The next day Bad Bully Butler went around doing his usual thing but he was puzzled because some of the kids seemed to be looking at him differently. But he just grabbed more lunches and pulled more hair. Gentle Katy was hard to find because her friends kept warning her when he was coming but he got her on the bus anyway. If he had been the sort of person who really paid any attention to others he might have noticed that some of Gentle Katy’s friends were going up to his “gang” members one by one and talking to them really seriously.

On the weekend there were a lot of telephone calls in Bulldog Bay. Kids could be seen going to secret meeting places in the woods and in backyards and in special places in houses. Bad Bully Butler couldn’t find his “gang” anywhere on Saturday and on Sunday all of their mothers told him they had tummy wogs and couldn’t play with him that day. The truth was that on Saturday a really unusual thing happened and Bad Bully Butler’s Bashers had a meeting with Gentle Katy Little and her Babysitter’s Little Sisters Club at an Ice Cream Parlour that was labelled “nerdy”. They made a plan.

The bus ride on Monday morning was the same as usual. Bad Bully Butler teased all of the kids on the bus and especially Gentle Katy Little. But there was a difference. His friends didn’t seem to want to laugh at what he was doing. By the time they arrived at school he was in a really bad mood. They went into class and he did as many naughty things as he could but he was too bold and was caught firing little pieces of wet paper through a pen tube at people. He was kept in at morning tea and didn’t get a chance to bully anyone. The day was not turning out well.

Lunchtime came and he was so angry he looked for Gentle Katy Little straight away. She was nowhere to be found and he was so busy looking everywhere for her that he forgot to pinch anyone’s lunch. Then it was playtime and he quickly ate his own.

He spotted Gentle Katy Little at the far end of the playing field near some trees. She was just playing with a ball by herself and he ran over to tease her. He stood quite near to her to make her scared and didn’t say anything, knowing that she was just scared of him being around. Strangely, she just looked at him. He began to feel a bit uncomfortable with this small person looking at him and thought he would make himself feel better by saying something really nasty and then giving her a push. He was just opening his mouth when Gentle Katy Little shouted! “NO! DON’T BULLY ME!” Bad Bully Butler just about fainted. This had never ever happened to him before.

It was about twenty seconds before he recovered enough to realize that Gentle Katy Little was still standing looking at him. He decided there was only one thing to do to save face. He would hit her. He was just about to when he heard a noise behind him. He looked over his right shoulder and discovered that Katy’s Babysitter’s Little Sister’s club had appeared from nowhere and they were all standing behind him. He heard another noise and looked over his left shoulder and saw that all of the Bad Bully’s Bashers were behind him too.

He grinned and said “You take care of that lot and I’ll fix this little twerp”. He lifted his hand to shove Gentle Katy Little. Suddenly Gentle Katy Little, the Babysitter’s Little Sisters Club and Bad Bully’s Bashers all yelled, “NO, DON’T BE A BULLY. BULLYING IS BAD, BULLY BUTLER!” Can you guess what happened next? What would you do if you were Bully Butler?

Yes. He went as pale as his mother’s sheets on washing day and turned and ran. He felt all mixed up inside and went and sat by himself for the rest of the lunch break. He tried to cheer himself up by annoying someone in class but it looked as though everyone had heard the story of how Bad Bully Butler ran away. They all looked at him when he did anything and looked as though they were getting ready to shout, so he stopped straight away. He felt awful.

When he got on the bus there were three boys sitting in the seat behind Gentle Katy Little and three girls in front and three in the seat across from her and they said, “You sit up the back Bad Bully Butler, and leave our friend alone.” So Bully Butler sat in the back of the bus all the way home and felt miserable. All of the boys and girls surrounding Katy Little stayed on the bus till her stop and got off with her. Bully Butler felt rotten.

He didn’t have any tea that night and in the morning he felt so sick in the stomach even his father told him he could stay home.

On the next day, Wednesday, his mother said he had to go to school. When he got on the bus he went straight to the back seat. Katy Little and her friends all got on at the same stop. He moaned to himself that some of them used to be his friends. He just sat by himself all that day and wished he had never bullied anyone. He had lost all his friends and he was sure that everyone hated him.

The next day, at lunchtime, he was sitting by himself on the furthest bench when he saw Katy Little coming over to him and something weird happened. Bad Bully Butler began to cry. To his surprise Katy Little put her hand on his shoulder and said “Do you need a friend?” He couldn’t believe his ears but he nodded and said, “I’m sorry I bullied you Katy Little. I’ll never do it again.” Katy said “I know, no one will do that at this school again,” and she lifted her hand and waved.

All of the BSLS Club and the ex-BBBs came running over and his best mate, well the one who he thought was his best mate, said, “Now you’re friends with Katy we’re your friends again. We never liked you bullying but never had the courage to stop you until Katy got a good idea. But there are lots of things about you that we like.”

Katy said, “I think I’ll call you Best Buddy Butler now.”

He laughed and said to her “And you are Tough Katy Little from here on. You’ve certainly taught me a lesson.”

And they were best friends from then on.

This is a children’s story. It came out of my head a couple of weeks ago. If you want to talk about publishing it, it would be best illustrated, but for now just imagine it your way.

The twins loved to search for treasure on days off. That’s how they came to be outside the cave of happiness watching the dreaded Nottopass, a fierce, strong but well-mannered creature like a well trained policeman with eight arms to stop people getting past. The twins had to find a way to get past those arms. How could they do it?

‘What have you got in your bag Sis? I’ve got an idea. It keeps picking up white pebbles, tossing them up and down and then tossing them away and looking for more. I’ve got a ball in my bag. What have you got?’

‘I’ve got chewing gum, a game machine and knitting needles.’

‘Give me a knitting needle.’

‘One knitting needle! What can anyone do with one knitting needle?’

‘You’ll see. I’ll buy you another one.’

‘Hi NTP. Can you juggle?’

‘I’m very good at it.’

‘I knew it! I could tell just by looking at you that you must be very good at juggling. Maybe you can even juggle things that are really hard to juggle together, like a rubber ball and a knitting needle.’

‘Oh, no problem. I can do that easily.’

‘Well, I’ve got a ball and knitting needle here. I’ve been trying for weeks to juggle them for ten minutes without dropping them.’

‘Throw them to me.’

Soon he was happily juggling away and having great fun. He really was clever.

‘That’s amazing! Can you do that and do your job as well?’

‘Of course! It helps to have eight arms and two brains. It’s a distinct advantage.’

‘So if I pretended to try to run past you, you could catch me and still keep juggling the knitting needle and ball’

‘Oh yes.’

‘I often wished I had more arms so that I could keep playing my computer game and still do other things, but a computer game takes two hands and that’s all I’ve got.’

‘I feel sorry for you, little creature. For me, that would be no trouble at all. I could play the game very very well and still juggle these objects, and do my job too.’

‘Really? I’m so excited to hear that. I’ve got a computer game machine in my bag. Would you like to try it?’

‘Definitely I would little girl. May I?’

‘Well, I wouldn’t let just anyone but I’ll let you.’

The Nottopass took the machine and within a few minutes had mastered it and was close to breaking the beeps per second record. The knitting needle and ball kept flying into the air in more and more complex patterns.

‘How long will you keep juggling?’

‘As long as I enjoy it. No, let us be more definite. I will juggle them for three days.’

‘Incredible! We should call the television. That must surely break the world’s record for juggling a knitting needle and a ball. If the TV is coming I will have to look my best.’ So she took her mirror and comb from her bag and began to do her hair and put her face to rights. Elspeth was naturally beautiful but always thought there was room for improvement.

‘Little girl?’

‘Yes, supreme juggler.’

‘Do I look…er…presentable.’

‘Well, I don’t mean to be insulting but your hair could do with a little tidying.’

‘I don’t have a comb.’

‘I was beginning to suspect that.’

‘When you feel fully ready would you mind if I borrowed yours?’

‘Mum says… I’ll buy another set. You can have my mirror and comb as soon as I think I am beautiful enough. Then you can improve your appearance and we will try to run past you just to help you make sure you can still do your job.’

‘That’s easy, said NTP.’

Soon it was doing it’s hair, playing a fast computer game, juggling and laughing while catching Pat and Elspeth and tickling them and bellowing, ‘I haven’t had this much fun in years!’

At about this time Pat spotted a sign “NO CHEWING GUM IN THE PORTICO”. ‘Give me your gum’, he said to his sister.

‘All of it?’, she replied and he nodded. Pat put five complete gum tabs in his mouth and began to chew unobtrusively.

When the gum was nice and mature he stepped up to NTP and said ‘Do you like your job?’

‘What’s that in your mouth young man?’

‘Chewing gum.’

‘Didn’t you read the sign?’

‘I never read signs; they’re always telling you not to do things. What does it say?’

“NO CHEWING GUM IN THE PORTICO”.

‘Oh, what’s a portico? Where’s the portico?’

‘This is the portico. Give me that gum.’ Pat carefully took the gum from his mouth and slapped it into the NTP’s outstretched hand. Hmmph, said the creature and seemed a little puzzled about what to do with the gum. Pat said helpfully, just slap it under that rock there. The NTP did that but had trouble afterwards. Its hand was stuck to the rock.

‘Test run!’ yelled Pat and the two children ran past the NTP into the cave of happiness.