THE INSULTING HAIRDRESSER
There was once a land where the nobles were utterly bored. They had everything they needed and more. They had indulged in every pleasure ever invented and some that no one would admit to inventing. Their servants were very servile and never asked for wage rises. The Queen was the most bored of all. She had everything and it all felt like nothing at all so she yawned all day long. One would think she would complain but she had long tired of that.
In a remote town in a far corner of the land one day a Countess summoned a hairdresser. The girl was new and the Countess hoped she was unusual in some way, a mole on both cheeks or something like that, so she could tell all of her friends. The hairdresser turned out to be very unusual indeed.
“How d’ya wannit?” said the hairdresser.
“I beg your pardon?” said the astonished Countess.
“I SAID, how d’ya wannit? You gotta hearin’ problem or somtin’”
Totally flustered the Countess replied, “I’m sure you know what you’re doing. Use your imagination and make me look unusual.”
“O.K. You ast for it lady,” and the hairdresser proceeded to cut most of the Countesses hair off and dye it bright reddish pink.
Far from being upset the Countess found the experience so radical it was exhilarating, and she told all her friends. Soon the news spread throughout the kingdom and the nobility came flocking to the town to have their hair cut. The hairdresser looked at them and criticized what they were wearing, refused to cut the hair of the ones she considered too ugly (not usually the same ones that the other nobles considered ugly, but that was all the better), and insulted them in almost every way possible. They loved it. Nothing like that had happened in their kingdom for years. The hairdresser soon gathered that she was a celebrity and appointed an agent who booked her appointments for her. She charged enormous fees and within a year she was rich.
Eventually the Queen came to have her haircut and you would have thought that the hairdresser would have treated her with respect but she didn’t. She was just as insulting as ever and almost seemed to be about to refuse to cut the Queen’s hair, which would have caused the biggest sensation of all but she didn’t. The Queen loved it and went home to the Palace by express coach and thought deeply all night. She realized that her throne was in danger as all of her subjects had become thoroughly bored with her. She thought she had found a solution.
The Queen sent a scribe to the hairdresser’s with instructions to record everything that was said. After a month he returned loaded with scrolls. The Queen retired to her closet for two weeks. Imagine the surprise of her courtiers that morning when she returned to her throne room and their gracious majesty greeted them with a mouthful of insults in perfect imitation of the tones of the hairdresser!
The Court had not been so lively since the last war with the neighbouring country, three hundred years before. Everywhere courtiers both male and female could be found in corners practicing insults in the strange accent of the hairdresser. Husbands and wives insulted each other excitedly for an hour before bed every night and you can be sure that the exercise did not finish there.
The hairdresser was overloaded with appointments and was able to raise her prices still further and was amazed when her clients started to insult her back, though puzzled at the way they spoke. Soon, the Countess, who had become her greatest fan and patroness, noticed a change in the hairdresser’s mood.
One morning, her clients were lined up outside her door until twelve, impatient but laughing because they thought this was just another clever way of insulting them. Eventually they tired of this and had their servants break down the door. Inside, they found a note.
Thanks a lot for makin’ me rich. In your country I was really bored at first but for the last couple of months when you started talkin’ like normal people I started to feel more at home. But then that was a problem ‘cause I got homesick. I’m goin’ back to New York. Come and see me in the Big Apple if you ever get off your lazy buts and get around to it.