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For those of you who can’t work it out for yourselves, this is humour, of course!

Are Chinese cooks part of a conspiracy to limit the population?

Well, let’s consider the evidence. Chinese cooks love to chop meat right through the bone and include the small bone fragments in the dish to be served. It is well known in Western countries that such small pieces of bones should not even be given to dogs as they might choke on them or be cut internally from the sharp bits. It is not well known in China that such fragments should not be given to humans for the same reasons. This is before mentioning that the fragments can cut the mouth and gums if masticated without extreme care. This disadvantages the very young, the elderly and the sick, all of whom are less able to maintain the required level of concentrated energy to perform the eating task safely. Infection of lacerations of the mouth can affect general health and survival of other illnesses.

Chinese cooks love salt and MSG. Things that other nations reject are given to Chinese to eat tasting exactly the same as other more nourishing foods through the use of large helpings of salt and MSG as culinary camouflage. In this way Chinese cooks are able to wage a campaign of calculated malnourishment disguised as nourishment. A careful propaganda project convinces people of the value of these foods. One example is the case of pig’s knuckles, which these gastronomic spin doctors have cleverly inculcated into the hearts desires of lovely young ladies as substances which can magically transform the complexion to the smoothness of a silk purse.

I have still completely ignored the hazards of salt itself, creating blood pressure statistics to rival those of Western countries, especially in North China where cooks put much more salt in. MSG is a complicated story so I will leave you to examine all the information you are going to get through a Google search. Monosodium Glutamate is the conspiracy theory of the food world and is responsible for nearly everything.

Then there is fat, meat untrimmed of fat from animals especially raised to be really fatty by a population that thinks fat is tasty and therefore good. Beloved also, of the Chinese chef is fat in the form of oil. Oil is used in the cooking, but rarely for deep frying I admit, and then is often added as a flavour enhancer. We all know what fat does and many of us only have to look down and grab and pinch to understand what effect it could have on those steep terraced hill slopes or apartment building stairs. Would you like to carry it up there? Please don’t try to tell me it is weight training using make-it-yourself weights.

Next, I must consider food as a means to transmit disease to the population. My first hand evidence is that every bout of diarrhoea I have had has been preceded by my eating something. I have often seen Chinese restaurant staff ignoring flies. Chinese people go to work even if they are sick, for fear of losing their job, and I am sure this is particularly the case with cooks, who love to transmit infection.

Lastly, there is the culinary induction of psychopathology. It is difficult for me to gauge the post-trauma effect on a phobic person who sees a snake on their plate, or a cicada or scorpion. Then there is the minimal use of meat. BMW cooked for me last night in her usual thrifty way and told me I was about to eat a chicken, tomato and egg dish. I easily found the egg, and tomatoes were everywhere on my plate. I searched and searched for the chicken and suspected some tiny morsels were composed of chicken molecules. I searched and searched and I felt my blood pressure begin to rise. As I groped for my pill bottle I asked weakly, ‘How much chicken did you use, dear?’ ‘Half’ was the reply. ‘We had three chicken breasts. I don’t see them.’ ‘Half a chicken breast’, she said sweetly. ‘You shouldn’t eat too much meat.’

So, as you might agree, my theory that Chinese cooks are part of a conspiracy to create negative growth in the Chinese population has some evidence to support it. I am not talking about those fearsome choppers they use - that is, not in a direct way, they rarely use them on people directly. That only happens in movies. The reality is much more covert and sinister. They use them much more subtly to infiltrate bone fragments into your system but they mainly use other methods. When I find out more I will let you know. If you find out more will you let me know too? I really need to know. I must find something to eat now so see you later. Now I wonder what they sprayed this fruit with! Hey, I wonder who’ll read this. How do I know you are not a Chinese cook disguised as a blogger?

‘Pass the chocolate darling, I need to de-stress.’

‘What do you mean, It’s bad for me? What have you done to it?’

This entry was posted on Monday, June 25th, 2007 at 12:26 am and is filed under A Naïve Poet and Occasional Writer. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.